She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
