This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
how does that bad decision feel?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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