Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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