SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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