Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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