He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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