mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You made out with two different species that night
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
