you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
