is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
