this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
