I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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