I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
