We're facebook friends in real life
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
