When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No subtext here. People are naked.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
