We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
