you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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