he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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