im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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