Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
