just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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