I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
