How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
