You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
