I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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