did you get engaged???
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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