I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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