I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
