I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
This is the high leading the old right now
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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