she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
