you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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