Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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