Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
