the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
