I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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