i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?