If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
