I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
even my farts smell like vagina
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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