Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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