The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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