Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
