it hurts more in the daytime
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
