Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
