My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
not ubering you a puppy
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
