I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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