I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
