My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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