he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
