So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
high people should be assigned attendants
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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