If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
