Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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