i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
