I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
