I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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