dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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