idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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