Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
