Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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