You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
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We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize