i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
