i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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