Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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