a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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