Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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